PHOTO: Kings Conquer Belgrade-Croatia in the Final

They pulled it off! The old street musicians managed to charm the voters with Laci’s new teeth, rap and new hats! And song of course…

After we watched how Croatia’s neighbours would pass in the semi-finals, the second semi-finals are finally time to start being nervous. The Kings of the Street (Kraljevi Ulice) this year’s representatives of Croatia on Eurosong, are up next to show what they know.

The competition for Croatia in Belgrade was tough, because the following countries participated: Iceland, Sweden, Turkey, the Ukraine, Lithuania, Albania, Switzerland, the Czech Republic, Belorussia, Latvia, Bulgaria, Denmark, Georgia, Hungary, Malta, Cyprus, Macedonia and Portugal.

Just like in the first semi-final, only ten nations go to the finals, and nine returned home.

Why not simply watch television instead of reading this article? Well, if you really want to go through the torture of watching one whole semi-final of the Eurosong – just go ahead.

We are paid for this, you are not…

It has finally begun

It started off with Iceland, a country that is right next to Great Britain on the map, then a bit left and a bit up. We have no idea how Italian dance made it there, but it seems that somebody managed to drag it through customs. We know that Iceland is a nice country, with smart people, but it seems that there are local eccentrics everywhere. How else could we explain the fact that their representatives called themselves Euroband? Which intelligent manager thought of that? Congratulations… The two of them came out onto the stage, the guy looked like an overgrown homonucleus and the woman was a blonde domina. They both then started singing the hard dance song “This is My Life”. Oh my, if that is your life, then things are certainly not going well… We will not even comment on the pink underwear that was worn, some jokes are just too easy to comment.

Look just how many funny people there are in the world! Sweden did not seem like a comedy to us at first, but Charlotte Perrelli was simply the pinnacle of comedy. That tall Nordic blonde walked out onto the stage, in a dress that looked like stalactites from the far north were still hanging from it. She sang “Hero”, and the only important thing was her face. Never have I seen so much silicon reach a high C. When she finally case to the chorus, her plastic surgeon was certainly very proud.

Her face kept in one piece – he certainly thought – it’s okay!

What sort of historical event would it be without Turkey? That would be unheard of! This time the Turks did not come to Belgrade with knives and stakes, but believe it or not, with a good song. Okay, it was not that good, but from the country that invented impaling on stakes and baklava, you can really expect everything. Mor ve Otesi sang “Deli” and strum on their pro-European guitar. The worst thing is that there were no moustaches in sight! What kind of Turks are they?

Ani Lorak represented the Ukraine with the song “Shady Lady”. A good song, the rhythm jumps about, and she is good at it. Somebody said that she was one of the 100 most beautiful women in the world. We believe them. As the song was being sung, you could hear “beep-beep”! We first thought that it was a part of the song, but then we realised that it was the sound of pacemakers in the public slowly giving up. We do not know how she managed to sing the whole song until the end without a mistake, because she caused some real arrhythmias with us!

We thought that the silliness ended with Sweden, but then the Lithuanian Jeronimas Milius came on stage with “Nomads in the Night”. The man reaches high notes, he was singing it well, enjoying himself, doing that move that everybody does at the Eurosong, the one that Bruce Lee does when he grabs a guy by the…. something and squeezes his fist. We are not certain what it means to all of them, everyone does it, just pay attention, believe us. But! Milius, the child of Dracula, in leather pants and long hair nearly reaching down to his butt, will remain in our memories forever. He is one of the five people in the world that really has the need for a stylist. Incredible, but those people actually exist!

Albania, a country that is economically similar to Croatia as far as GDP per capita is concerned (regardless of what the statistics say) was probably the most pleasant surprise of the night! Olta Boka, a 16 year old girl, sang “Zemren E Lame Peng” really well. Just when we thought that everything was great, we realised one thing. Boki’s voice was a bit coarse. The girl certainly pushed herself too hard during practices. She knows that if she returns home that she will have to join the army in order to feed the family. She knows that if she return home, she will join the air defence unit ready to protect her country with a slingshot at the top of a hill…

Paolo Meneguzzi represented the Swiss with “Era Stupendo”. He was really elegant standing in the middle of the stage, singing, the fans were screaming. Why would we be surprised? Meneguzzi was watching them, with one hand in his pocket, and was totally relaxed. He sung his song and looked around in that neutral Swiss fashion.

Memois and fairy tales could be written about Czech women, depending on how you look at life. But when Tereza Kerndlova came out on stage with “Have Some Fun”, everything became clear. Tereza sang in the shortest skirt that we have seen on television, accompanied by equally brave dancers, who are not bothered by the wind. This was all happening with a disco beat pumping - the Czechs know what rhythm is. Behind them was a man on the turntables, taking care of the rhythm, who shouted something out every now and again. We assume that this was a part of the song, but it seemed that he was just trying to bring some attention to himself. The poor guy, those Czech men are never any good with women… that’s why were are here.

Belorussia was represented by Ruslan Alehno who sung  “Hasta La Vista”. He was probably trying to imitate Ricky Martin, nobody was exactly clear on that. A smile, black suit, a mafia style – or his mother did not have time to wash him, we are not certain. All that we can see is something golden on his shirt. Was it a chain, something stitched to his shirt? We do not know, we were shouting at the screen for him to move his hangs but we could not see it. Now we can not sleep. And the song? What else can we say but hasta la vista…

Then pirates came to the stage for the Latvian performance. Pirates of the Sea sang “Wolves of the Sea”. They jumped around to the rhythm, just great. But the problem is that it looks like they are representing Disney World and not Latvia. Who ever heard of Latvian pirates? Nobody, that’s who! Just like nobody will hear about the representatives of Latvia. Goodbye, and calm seas to you!

Then it was Croatia’s turn. Whoever does not know “Romanca” by heart should hide behind Laci’s hat! What to say about Kings of the Street? We were watching to make sure that Laci did not have a heart attack in the middle of the song. All went well… now only louder!

Bulgaria had a totally different image. Are we imagining things, or is it a rule that the poorer the country is, the more extravagant the clothing is? This is how it was with Deep Zone & Balthazar with “DJ, Take Me Away”. First of all a bunch of people with a kitschy look from the 1980s started jumping around on stage. Then the singer appeared in a dress with garters and feathers. A good rhythm, the song was not bad, but we were only thinking about our theory. Because if were are right, the people in Bulgaria really have nothing to eat!

Those northern countries have a fetish with tans. We assume that the most profitable business would be to open a tanning salon, just like it is profitable to open a café bar in Sinj. Simon Mathew sang “All Night Long” to represent Denmark. Take a look at the man, he wave his hands, sings his silly pop song wearing suspenders and a hat. You’re really cool Mathew. But Mathew, you are really lucky to be born in Denmark. Because if you were born in Sinj, you would not have a tan but maybe – cirrhosis of the liver!

Diana Gurtskaya represented Georgia with “Peace Will Come”. Now, the main thing with her is that she is blind. Considering that she is a singer, we see no reason why this should be important, or a reason why we should be especially kind to her song. Anyhow, look at the title of her song” She says that peace will come. Ah, Diana, you need to be blind in order to believe that…

Ceszy represented Hungary and did it well. The first time we saw her from the waist up we saw an ordinary white shirt, she sang calmly, and we thought that we would be saved from the excesses and simply be able to enjoy the song. Then everything goes out the window. The camera moved and showed all of her. Csezy was wearing, lets see, some sort of dress. We looked at the thing and could not believe it – it looks like it was stolen from the Hungarian royal family! Who did her styling? Somebody from Lithuania?

Malta was advertising its upcoming tourist season with Morena singing “Vodka”. That is the way you do things, is anybody from the Croatian Ministry of Tourism watching this? That is it! Not like Croatia, who have now convinced the world that it is a country where only pensioners live. Morena stood on stage and shouted “Vodka, Vodka”, and was accompanied by a bone-rattling rhythm. We were no longer watching the screen, but were calculating if we had enough money for an apartment in Malta during the summer.

- Vodka you say? – thought half of Europe and made a few notes for the holidays.

But Cyprus was the best with Evdokio Kadi! She sang “Femme Fatale” and the woman obviously enjoyed the role. She changed dresses, she was followed by men, it was really sweet. As they move away, she changed her dress. We never thought that perfection would bother us. We were watching her sing and thought, make a little mistake, lets see you getting changed! But damn, they could not have been better… damn them!

The representatives for Macedonia were Tamara, Vrcak & Adrijan with “Let Me Love You”. It started okay with Tamara, but when the two guys got on stage and started waving their hands and rapping. Macedonian rappers, if they did not exist, someone must invent them.

In the end Vaine Fernendes represented Portugal with “Senhora Do Mar”. There is a lot of her, is the first thing you notice, and she was probably wearing black to hide it. But she made a tactical error, because the wall behind her was white, so it only made her stand out even more. She sang her song, whist the other singers thought – I wonder if there is anything left in the buffet – they looked around and worried…

After the voting

Awaiting the results was intense. It was unlike two days ago when we did not care much, but now Croatia’s position was at stake!

A great success for the end – the Kings of the Street conquered Belgrade and entered the final. The three Croatian husbands managed to prove themselves next to all of those women from other countries. Even though they are uglier and older than them, they proved that they were the best. Ugly as sin, they did not need short dresses! Even though…

Wait a minute… we are praising them if you did not realise! Laci, Pajo and Hadzi! Congratulations! You are legends!

Besides Croatia, the other countries that entered the final from this semi-final were: the Ukraine, Albania, Iceland, Georgia, Denmark, Sweden, Latvia, Turkey and Portugal.

We wish success to the Kings of the Street in the final, and to all of the other contestants – a throat infection!

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